An unexpected delay

So after getting excited and beginning to eat some of my favorite foods for the last time, on Monday I had a wrench thrown into my plans.

Unexpected and unforeseen events have caused me to delay my surgery until after the new year.

So I now have to start saving up the money to cover the 10% that my new insurance won't cover. It also means that I am looking to having the surgery in June or July of 2010 as from my understanding the new insurance requires a 6 month waiting period.

It is very hard for me not to be disappointed and a little depressed.

It also hard not to turn that disappointment and depression in to a grub fest. But I'm doing better than I thought I would be.

So the new me will have to wait for just a little while longer to appear.

The waiting game

I have determined that the waiting game is starting to get to me.

The waiting for the final doctor's appointment.

The waiting for the insurance approval.

The waiting for the date of the surgery.

I am ready for this. I have gotten all the necessary items done that I need to get done. Now I wait.

Now it is in someone else's hands.

My doctor's appointment was supposed to have been this Wednesday. It got pushed back to next Wednesday.

I am trying to remain positive and keep imagining myself skinnier. Imagining me riding all the rides I currently can't ride at my favorite amusement park.

Imagining the possible different life that this surgery is going to bring to me.

But I can also imagine my disappointment if I find out that I need to wait another 6 months due to the change in insurance.

I don't know if I can wait until the 16th.

2nd month pre-op nutritionist follow up

So in this waiting journey that my insurance company requires me to do before having the surgery, I am now in the second slow month. This month the insurance company requires me to have a follow up conversation with the dietitian and the exercise guy. This can be either done through email, phone or an office visit.

My follow up with the dietitian was via email. In the email she asked some basic questions and wanted me to either email or call in a response. I answered them honestly and I'm sure that she didn't like some of the answers I provided.

Here were the questions she asked in red and my answers in blue:

1. Please list any food and beverage consumed in the past 24 hours.
Sunday
2 BBQ chicken sandwiches on Poppy Seed Kaiser Roll
2 all beef fat free hot dogs on white buns
1 grab & go cup of Kraft Mac & Cheese
1 serving meat Lasagna
3 pieces garlic Texas toast
4 20 oz bottles of water
6 mini powdered donuts

Monday
4 tootsie rolls
2 miniature Hershey bars
2 tootsie pops
4 slices of turkey with gravy
2 scoops mashed potatoes with gravy
8 oz of fountain Pepsi
8 oz of water so far

2. How many times per day do you eat? (Including snacks and meals)
2 big meals - usually lunch and dinner I normally snack on stuff through out my work day

3. What kind of beverages do you drink throughout a typical day?
Water and for the moment usually less than 12 oz of Pepsi

4. When considering your daily intake, would you say you eat “normal portions,” “more than normal,” or “less than normal?”
more than normal I found this question difficult to answer. It really depends on when and what I am eating.

5. How many times per week do you eat away from home? (Includes restaurant dining, fast food, convenience food, etc., but not a lunch you may pack yourself and take to work)
lunch is usually 5 days a week, dinner is usually 1 sometimes 2 times a week I guess I should have clarified my answer on this one. I don't normally pack a lunch, so I either eat in the company cafeteria or go out for lunch. Usually if I go out for lunch, it is usually to Subway or Panera Bread.

6. What obstacles do you face in preparing foods at home?
time Isn't that the obstacles that everyone faces? Not just fat people?

7. Stress is a part of everyone’s life. When under stress would you say you eat more or less than usual?
More Doesn't everyone? I'd really like to meet the people who don't eat more when they are stressed!

8. If more, what foods are you eating when stressed?
sweets, salty items Can you say Chocolate? Hello?!?!?!

9. What would you say is your biggest obstacle to weight loss success, and how do you plan to overcome this obstacle?
I snack at my desk while at work. I think the biggest problem for me will be breaking that habit. I have been trying to prepare myself, but have not had much success.

Needless to say the dietitian did not like my answers. Here was the response that I got back after supplying my answers:

Based on your nutrition evaluation, I would like for you to work on the following things before your next follow up visit. These goals will be important expectations after your surgery, so let’s see if we can start forming some new, healthy habits now.

* Eliminate your intake of carbonated beverages
* Decrease your intake of fast food and the number of times you are eating away from home (except lunches that are pre-packed and taken with you)
* Drink at least 64 ounces of water daily.
* Decrease your portion sizes. You can do this by using a smaller plate, smaller utensils, or eliminating second helpings.
* Start reading nutrition facts labels. You are going to be focused on consuming a high protein, low carbohydrate diet after surgery.
* Try to consume three meals per day, with only one snack between meals. You mentioned that the snacking between meals was your biggest obstacle, and the best way to get over that is to make sure you are getting in adequate protein at your meals so that you do not get hungry for snacks in between. Try to have something high in protein at each meal, and do not keep snacks at your desk at work.

Be prepared to explain how you have made these changes in your life at our next visit, and also to give a recall of the foods you consume in a typical day.


Sure that's easy for her to say! Some of the things she has talked about in her response, I have already started doing. I didn't mention that I used to drink 3 or 4 or more 12 oz cans of Pepsi a day and I cut back to less than a 12 oz glass of fountain Pepsi 5 days a week.

Or how I started paying more attention to labels from when I was active in Weight Watchers.

Anyway, just waiting on the follow up with the exercise guy. I get to tell him that I walked in 2 Society walks the past 3 weeks and walked a total of 7 miles in those walks. I really want to get a pedometer so I can see how many steps I make in a 1 job day and on those days were I work 2 jobs. Maybe as an early Christmas present to myself.

I also need to follow up with my PCP. I told his nurse that I needed the 5 year history by the 16th. Letting her conclude that I meant the 16th of November rather than the 16th of December. Hopefully he has gotten that information to the doctor already. I want to hurry up and get this surgery over with so I can start my new life as a new me!

An eventful week on the Journey

So this week has been an eventful week for me on this weight loss journey.

* In my quest to end my caffeine intake up until the past couple of 2 weeks, I had been doing good. It has been a couple stressful of weeks so I did break down and have a beloved Pepsi. So I have been trying to go back to being good and drinking water.


* I had gotten an email from my doctor's office that they needed to reschedule my final appointment with the doctor before surgery scheduling. It is getting bumped back one week as the doctor is planning on taking a couple of weeks off at the beginning of December. My question was by bumping this appointment back, would I still be able to have the surgery by the end of December? On Monday I got reassurance from the insurance specialist in the office that I should be able to get it done by 12/31. I hope that is the case, because I am ready for it NOW!

* On Tuesday I attended the second of 2 mandatory support group meetings that you have to attend prior to having surgery. It is amazing to hear the post op patients talk about how much weight they have lost, some of the struggles they have gone through and things that have worked for them. I really enjoy these meetings. I think I'm gonna keep going after surgery.

So yesterday I got to talk to a woman I met at the first meeting I had attended. She was 2 weeks post op at the meeting. I peppered her with questions about what to expect, and she was great about answering them. She said she stepped on the scale and had lost between 20-30 pounds since her surgery. I can't wait to see her in January. Hopefully by then we'll both be on our journey of skinny!

At the meeting they focused on how to deal with the stress of the holidays and how to deal with not being able to eat the big, traditional holiday meals. Hopefully by next year, it won't be a problem for me.

* Today was my appointment with the Psychiatrist. So after a little wait, I finally got called back. He went over the results of the 400+ questions I had to answer before seeing him. Turns out, according to the answer of the test, I qualify as "normal". I had no signs of any eating disorders or depression. No suicidal tendencies. I understand what I'm signing up to do.

So all in all, it's been a good week in the journey. Although it seems like it is moving slow to me, I know that it will be here before I know it....hopefully.

Goals

In my 1st of 2 mandatory support group meeting that I have to attend prior to surgery, they had talked about setting goals for yourself to keep yourself motivated. Not, oh I want to lose 60 pounds by Valentine's day, they are talking about non-weight number goals.

So as I have continued to think about and try to mentally prepare myself for this journey, I keep thinking about these goals to set and what goals do I want to set for myself.

Here are some of the things I have thought up so far:

1. Of course there is the biggest one, being able to shop at "normal" people places for clothes.
2. Not that I get to travel much, but being able to ride in the airplane without having to ask for a seat belt extender.
3. Being able to drive my car without having the seat belt choke me because it is currently extended as far as it can go.
4. Being able to go to the theater or a concert and not have the arms of the chair cut into my hips, thighs or sides.
5. This one is a big one for me....being able to go to my favorite theme park and ride all the rides that I REALLY want to ride, but currently can't because I'm too big to fit in the seats.
6. Being able to walk long distances without having my legs or feet hurting during the walk or after it.
7. Being able to try new things: like canoeing, bike trips, spa treatments. Sure these are things I can do know but let's be honest, it's to be able to do them without people snickering or thinking oh shit.
8. This next one is a little personal but still, feeling sexy and being able to enjoy "things" with my boyfriend.
9. Not being tired all the time. That will be a big thing!
10. Just being able to travel more. Granted this one also requires money, but I'm thinking about having the energy to experience different things and to see the sites in a city.
11. I would love to learn how to scuba dive and explore some of the reefs off the Keys or in the Caribbean.
12. Being able to box up and donate my current clothes to Salvation Army or Goodwill.
13. Hopefully having my shoe size shrink down a size or 2 so I can buy shoes in normal stores!
14. I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of the new me. The incredible shrinking woman!
15. Shocking the hell out of some of my family when I show up as the new me at the family reunion in July.
16. Taking one of those Segway tours. Even if it's here, just being able to try a Segway!

So these are just a few goals I have been thinking about over the past month.

Can't wait to get started.

Another reason for the surgery...but one I tend to forget about.

So the past week I had a reminder. A not very good reminder.

Deep inside I always know that I am fat. Even though I try to imagine myself not fat. There are the little reminders, such as being able to sit in a seat and not having the arms of the chairs cutting into my hips or thighs.

This past week it was a snide comment that someone said that I ended up taking offense to. Even though that comment was not directed at me personally, I still felt it as a blow to my confidence.

I am one of those many people who post tweets on Twitter. Just for fun, I follow some celebrities. There are several celebrities on Twitter, all at various stages/levels of celebrity. The celebrity in question is not a "big" national celebrity but depending on what type of music you listen to, would determine if you know this person or not.

Part of the thing that makes this comment shocking and unbelievable is the fact that before this celebrity became well known he/she made a living as a personal trainer. A personal trainer. As in someone who helps fat people become healthier and thinner.

This person posted a picture of a fat person at a grocery store. She was wearing a short white skirt and the wrong type of underwear. She was bending down to pick something up from a bottom shelf. Unfortunately for this person, she was bending at the waist to pick up the item rather than ladylike bending at the knees.

Now I had seen the picture before. It had come in a email about rednecks or the people of Walmart. When I get them and kinda chuckle at them and hope to God I never get spotted doing something like that and then move on.

Had the celebrity posted the picture and made no comment I would have been fine. The celebrity had posted funny pictures on his/her Twitter account before. Put he/she didn't stop at that. Nope, he/she had to make a snide comment as well.

The comment was "this is why I don't shop at Kroger anymore. They tend to be smaller at Whole Foods."

It's thoughtless, mean comments like this that cause us "big" people to have lack of self confidence and just feel even more like shit.

The thing about it was, if it had been a picture of a black, or Asian, or Latino person, it would be considered racism. But because it was just a snide comment against a fat person, society seems to think that it's okay.

Back in the late 19th and early 20th century, a woman with curves was considered the most desirable. Even Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14 I've heard. When did society deem a woman with curves undesirable? When did stick thin girls become the preferred standard of what is considered beautiful, sexy and desirable?

** In the process of writing this post I happened to go back to that celebrity's twitter site and he/she had removed the offensive picture and tweet. Guess my little rant about his/her meanness and rudeness hit the mark!

First Doctor Visit

So today was the first visit with the Dr. This doctor seems to have the most patients and seems to have a very good success rate. One of the things I found interesting was it seems as several nurses and office staff seem to have had one form of weight loss surgery, with some pretty amazing results.

So after filling out paperwork, I got called back to fill out more paperwork and talk with the nurse before actually talking with the doctor. Of course there was the dreaded scale check. I have decided I like the scales in this doctor's office better than the scale in my PCP. According to the special scales, today I weighed 396. I knew I liked this scale! Of course I have been sick with a sinus infection so that may have something to do with it. That and the fact that I have not drank a full can of Pepsi since I got sick last week. All I have had is a few sips from the fountain soda machine at work. Not even a full glass!

So before the nurse left I told her that I was hoping to have the surgery by the end of the year due to a change in insurance. When the doctor came in he didn't give me a definite yes, we can get it done by the end of the year, but he did say that I should tell the lady who handles the insurance to save a space for me in December, which I of course forgot to do. I need to remember to email her.

It was interesting meeting the doctor. I guess I was a little different than most of his patients because I really didn't have any questions for him. I told him that most of the questions I had got answered at the support group meeting. There was something about his manner that I just couldn't quite put my finger on. It was almost as if he really didn't like being around fat people. He just seemed a little distant. Maybe it was me.

After about 15 minutes with the doctor it was time to move on. Next I met with the office dietitian. She gave me some information about the surgery to read and answered a couple of questions that I had concerning the pre-op/post-op diet. She did let me know that it would be about 6 months after surgery before I would be able to eat beef. Okay, I guess I can deal with that.

After talking with her for about 10 minutes, it was time to meet with the next consultation.

Time to talk with the exercise physiologist. Talk over what type of exercise I've done previously, what I like to do for exercise, what limitations I may have, etc...

After 10 minutes talking with him, it was time to leave. Before leaving I talked briefly with the insurance lady and got the questionnaire for the psychiatric evaluation. 340 questions that repeated themselves, just asking it a different way. One of the questions that was hard to answer was Do people annoy you? Well, let's see...are you talking about people in general, or the people that ask the stupid questions over the phone, or the co-workers who wait to the last minute to bring you something that they want you to drop everything you may be doing to work on their stuff? If the answer is yes, then hell yes they annoy me! How does an normal person answer that question? I answered some of the time.

So I answered the 340 questions to the best of my ability and turned it in. Now it's a waiting game to hear from the Psychiatrist to go over the questions.

The next step for me is to attend the 2nd support group meeting, follow up emails with the dietitian and exercise physiologist and push and prod my PCP to send in the proper paperwork so that I can meet with the doctor a final time to schedule the surgery in December.

So until then, it's reading over everything that I have gotten, take the online class and mentally prepare myself for this journey.

Mandatory Support Group Meeting

So in order to have the bypass surgery, I must attend 2 procedure specific support group meetings. The hospital that I will be having my procedure only offers 1 a month.

This past Tuesday I attended my first meeting. There was probably 15, maybe 20 people at the meeting. About half of them were pre-op visitors.

Of the post-op patients, the biggest amount lost in the group was 226 pounds. The longest length since surgery I believe was 4 years. It was a woman who had lost the most of the group and had you not know that she was a gastric patient, you would have never know she was a fat girl. She looked absolutely AMAZING!

So after talking about how to stay motivated during the weight loss process and learning to set goals for yourself that don't involve a number of pounds to lose or a set weight you want to be at. Things like not having to ask for a seat belt extender on an airplane, or being able to fit comfortably in a restaurant booth, fitting into a dream piece of clothing, etc...

After the meeting, there was mingle time with the post-op patients talking to the pre-op patients. During this mingle time I was able to ask a couple of different post-op patients to get some of the questions that I posted in my previous blog answered based on other's experiences.

One other thing I also learned is that a couple of them even lost weight in their feet, shrinking their shoe size. For me this is a giant YIPPEE! I wear a size 12 shoe which means it's damn near impossible and damned expensive to buy shoes!

I have one more meeting to attend in order to meet the surgery requirements. I must admit that I did enjoy going to the support group and enjoyed hearing and seeing the success stories of others.

Trying to imagine

So I've been trying to imagine what my life will be like post surgery. I've also been trying to pay attention to everyday "food" things that I do/eat in order to make myself aware and prepare for the skinnier me. Here are some of the things I've been thinking of/noticed lately.

* Caffeine. I am not a coffee person. I love the smell of fresh coffee brewing, but no matter how many creams and sugars, I can't get past the bitterness. My caffeine drink of choice is Pepsi. I've tried Diet Pepsi before and just can't get past the nasty taste. I recently tried a Pepsi Max which is supposed to be the same as a Coke Zero. It tasted like a Diet Pepsi to me. I guess I need to start weening myself off of the Pepsi, but I just can't imagine never having another one ever again.

* Chocolate. I love chocolate. This probably explains part of my size. Again, like Pepsi, I can't imagine never having a piece of chocolate ever again.

* Snacking. I work a desk job. 8 1/2 hours a day sitting in front of a computer screen at a desk. I knew before, but it's becoming more apparent. I sit at my desk and snack all day. Since I don't get up much, that would probably explains why I'm the biggest I've ever been.

* Protein. I know that I will need to get a lot of protein in throughout the day. I am not a fan of fish so that pretty much leaves chicken. I'm not sure how much protein I could get out of steak, but from my understanding it will be a while before I would be able to eat steak.

* Picky Eater. I am a very picky eater. I know it. I don't like seafood, Mexican, Chinese, salads just to name a few foods. I guess you could call me a good ole fashioned meat and taters type of girl. I do eat a lot of chicken and I like turkey as well. I wonder if my food tastes will change after having the surgery? I can't seem to find a definite answer to this question.

* Chewing. Everything I have read/heard says that you will start to have to take smaller bits and make sure that you chew your food up completely before swallowing.

* Vitamins. I know that I will have to take vitamins the rest of my life. Unfortunately the only way I have ever been able to swallow pills, is to chew something first and then put the pill in the chewed up bits then swallow them.

* Flabby Arms and Fat Calves. Since my weight is all over my body and not specific to just my middle section, I'm wondering how long it will take for me to lose the weight in my legs and arms. Will I need to get plastic surgery to get rid of the excess skin in those 2 places? Surprisingly I'm not really worried about excess skin on my belly/butt area. At least not right now anyway.

* Liquid diet. I'm wondering if I'll be able to do the liquid diet before and after my surgery. I guess if other's can do it then I can too.

These are just a few things that have been running through my mind since deciding to go ahead and start the process. Granted all I have done so far is attend a seminar and start the paperwork process. Today I tried to imagine what I would look like by the time the family reunion would roll around next July. How much weight will I have lost by then? Hmmm....

A Little History

I am a 33 year old female. I currently weigh over 400 pounds although my weight is spread throughout my body and not located in a specific area. This is the biggest I have ever been.

I have been fat for as long as I can remember. There is a picture taken of me when I was 3 1/2 years old when I look like an normal child. Skinny. The next picture I can remember was me taken in nursery school (about 4 years old I guess) and I have started to become a chubby child.

I don't honestly remember when that transition began, but during that span, my older brother passed away very suddenly under unusual circumstances. I am not sure if that was the trigger or not.

I can remember going school shopping with my mother for either 4th or 5th grade and having to shop for size 14 clothes. At least I think it was a 14.

By the time I graduated high school I was in a size 28. I grew up in the country and considered myself very active when I was growing up. I swam, rode my bike, hiked in the woods, etc.

I did come from a family where several members were overweight. My mother has fought the battle with weight her entire life. My maternal great aunt has fought it but has managed to lose a lot of her weight with Weight Watchers. My paternal grandmother was big for all of my life. (But grandma's are supposed to be right?) She had very heavy legs: calves, ankles, knees and thighs. This is one trait I have inherited from her that I really wish I hadn't.

I have had 3 arthroscopic knee surgeries. At 18 I was told that I needed a complete knee replacement but my doctor at the time said I was too young for the surgery. Part of the reason for that was genetics but a lot of it was the weight.

Was I teased when I was growing up? Of course. I went to a small school for the first 5 years. In 5th grade we combined with 2 other schools to form the middle school. New kids meant fresh teases.

But the comments weren't just restricted to classmates. I can remember my father looking at a picture of myself and a cousin taken at the Lincoln Memorial or someplace in Washington DC with columns and making the comments about "well, her butt is about 2 feet wide so that means the column is 10 feet." I remember him saying it, he doesn't. I also had an aunt who never hid her preference for my skinny, popular cousin and I was treated more as a tag-a-long.

Did these things hurt? Of course they did. But I have long ago learned to bury and ignore things that hurt me. I would just let them sit and stew and build.

I grew up never really showing my true emotions. I was so good at hiding my emotions that when my grandmother died when I was in college, no one knew it with the exception of my roommate.

I moved to the south in the late 90's fresh from my 3rd knee surgery and graduating from college. I had managed to maintain my size 28 up until winter of 2006. I noticed that a pair of size 30 jeans that I had bought was tight around my waste. I figured I had gained weight. Spring of 2007 I joined Weight Watchers and a gym. Things seem to be going well until I hit a plateau that I couldn't get past. After going to the doctor and a series of tests, a tumor was discovered. By early summer I had had the tumor removed but that meant that I had to stop the exercise.

Once getting out of the exercise and Weight Watchers habit, it was hard to get back to it. Not to mention financially difficult.

Last December a husband of a co-worker under went the gastric bypass surgery. By June of this year he had lost a total of 180 some pounds. I could not believe it. He has done so amazing well. I him-hawed around until I decided to force my PCP to give me the referral so that I could at least talk to the gastric doctor.

Now my doctor has been against the surgery. I can remember questioning him about it after hearing that celebrities like Al Roker and Carnie Wilson had the surgery and seeing their amazing results. When I brought it up several years back, he thought that a person should be able to lose the weight on their own. He told me then he didn't believe the surgery and had only referred about 5 patients for the surgery. Because of me remembering him saying this, I went into his office ready for a fight. Much to my surprise he said ok.

I attended one of the free seminars put on by the gastric surgeons at a local hospital. Got the paperwork, but was unsure how to answer some of the "history" questions, so I had to schedule another appointment with my PCP. Last Thursday, September 17th, I met with my PCP to finish the history questionnaire and to have him start the paperwork trail process on his end.

Today, September 21st I took that paperwork to the gastric doctor's office so I could start the process. They weighed me in, 403.7 pounds, BMI of 56.3, and a body fat percentage of 51.6%, and scheduled me for the first appointment with the gastric doctor.

Unfortunately I have found out that my insurance carrier will be changing January 1st. So the rush is on to get everything done before December 31st. I have an online class to take, 2 support group meetings to attend, a psyche evaluation to undergo, meetings with the nutritionist, a second doctor's appointment, getting insurance approval and then hopefully the surgery.

The thought of having my 34th birthday in February with me being 50 to maybe 75 lighter is an amazing prospect.

Let the journey to a thinner, healthier, happier me begin.

Starting the Journey

So this blog is my way to put down my thoughts as I start the journey to having gastric bypass.

Part of me is very excited at the prospect of the chance to be "normal" and to be able to purchase cute clothes from places like Walmart, Kmart, Target or any "regular" person store even though it's several months away from being there.

The other part of me is a little scared or wary. The thought of not being able to have certain foods ever again. Of course, it's these foods that I love that have gotten me in this situation in the first place.

So sit back, pick up a donut (or not) and follow me on my journey.