Trying to imagine

So I've been trying to imagine what my life will be like post surgery. I've also been trying to pay attention to everyday "food" things that I do/eat in order to make myself aware and prepare for the skinnier me. Here are some of the things I've been thinking of/noticed lately.

* Caffeine. I am not a coffee person. I love the smell of fresh coffee brewing, but no matter how many creams and sugars, I can't get past the bitterness. My caffeine drink of choice is Pepsi. I've tried Diet Pepsi before and just can't get past the nasty taste. I recently tried a Pepsi Max which is supposed to be the same as a Coke Zero. It tasted like a Diet Pepsi to me. I guess I need to start weening myself off of the Pepsi, but I just can't imagine never having another one ever again.

* Chocolate. I love chocolate. This probably explains part of my size. Again, like Pepsi, I can't imagine never having a piece of chocolate ever again.

* Snacking. I work a desk job. 8 1/2 hours a day sitting in front of a computer screen at a desk. I knew before, but it's becoming more apparent. I sit at my desk and snack all day. Since I don't get up much, that would probably explains why I'm the biggest I've ever been.

* Protein. I know that I will need to get a lot of protein in throughout the day. I am not a fan of fish so that pretty much leaves chicken. I'm not sure how much protein I could get out of steak, but from my understanding it will be a while before I would be able to eat steak.

* Picky Eater. I am a very picky eater. I know it. I don't like seafood, Mexican, Chinese, salads just to name a few foods. I guess you could call me a good ole fashioned meat and taters type of girl. I do eat a lot of chicken and I like turkey as well. I wonder if my food tastes will change after having the surgery? I can't seem to find a definite answer to this question.

* Chewing. Everything I have read/heard says that you will start to have to take smaller bits and make sure that you chew your food up completely before swallowing.

* Vitamins. I know that I will have to take vitamins the rest of my life. Unfortunately the only way I have ever been able to swallow pills, is to chew something first and then put the pill in the chewed up bits then swallow them.

* Flabby Arms and Fat Calves. Since my weight is all over my body and not specific to just my middle section, I'm wondering how long it will take for me to lose the weight in my legs and arms. Will I need to get plastic surgery to get rid of the excess skin in those 2 places? Surprisingly I'm not really worried about excess skin on my belly/butt area. At least not right now anyway.

* Liquid diet. I'm wondering if I'll be able to do the liquid diet before and after my surgery. I guess if other's can do it then I can too.

These are just a few things that have been running through my mind since deciding to go ahead and start the process. Granted all I have done so far is attend a seminar and start the paperwork process. Today I tried to imagine what I would look like by the time the family reunion would roll around next July. How much weight will I have lost by then? Hmmm....

A Little History

I am a 33 year old female. I currently weigh over 400 pounds although my weight is spread throughout my body and not located in a specific area. This is the biggest I have ever been.

I have been fat for as long as I can remember. There is a picture taken of me when I was 3 1/2 years old when I look like an normal child. Skinny. The next picture I can remember was me taken in nursery school (about 4 years old I guess) and I have started to become a chubby child.

I don't honestly remember when that transition began, but during that span, my older brother passed away very suddenly under unusual circumstances. I am not sure if that was the trigger or not.

I can remember going school shopping with my mother for either 4th or 5th grade and having to shop for size 14 clothes. At least I think it was a 14.

By the time I graduated high school I was in a size 28. I grew up in the country and considered myself very active when I was growing up. I swam, rode my bike, hiked in the woods, etc.

I did come from a family where several members were overweight. My mother has fought the battle with weight her entire life. My maternal great aunt has fought it but has managed to lose a lot of her weight with Weight Watchers. My paternal grandmother was big for all of my life. (But grandma's are supposed to be right?) She had very heavy legs: calves, ankles, knees and thighs. This is one trait I have inherited from her that I really wish I hadn't.

I have had 3 arthroscopic knee surgeries. At 18 I was told that I needed a complete knee replacement but my doctor at the time said I was too young for the surgery. Part of the reason for that was genetics but a lot of it was the weight.

Was I teased when I was growing up? Of course. I went to a small school for the first 5 years. In 5th grade we combined with 2 other schools to form the middle school. New kids meant fresh teases.

But the comments weren't just restricted to classmates. I can remember my father looking at a picture of myself and a cousin taken at the Lincoln Memorial or someplace in Washington DC with columns and making the comments about "well, her butt is about 2 feet wide so that means the column is 10 feet." I remember him saying it, he doesn't. I also had an aunt who never hid her preference for my skinny, popular cousin and I was treated more as a tag-a-long.

Did these things hurt? Of course they did. But I have long ago learned to bury and ignore things that hurt me. I would just let them sit and stew and build.

I grew up never really showing my true emotions. I was so good at hiding my emotions that when my grandmother died when I was in college, no one knew it with the exception of my roommate.

I moved to the south in the late 90's fresh from my 3rd knee surgery and graduating from college. I had managed to maintain my size 28 up until winter of 2006. I noticed that a pair of size 30 jeans that I had bought was tight around my waste. I figured I had gained weight. Spring of 2007 I joined Weight Watchers and a gym. Things seem to be going well until I hit a plateau that I couldn't get past. After going to the doctor and a series of tests, a tumor was discovered. By early summer I had had the tumor removed but that meant that I had to stop the exercise.

Once getting out of the exercise and Weight Watchers habit, it was hard to get back to it. Not to mention financially difficult.

Last December a husband of a co-worker under went the gastric bypass surgery. By June of this year he had lost a total of 180 some pounds. I could not believe it. He has done so amazing well. I him-hawed around until I decided to force my PCP to give me the referral so that I could at least talk to the gastric doctor.

Now my doctor has been against the surgery. I can remember questioning him about it after hearing that celebrities like Al Roker and Carnie Wilson had the surgery and seeing their amazing results. When I brought it up several years back, he thought that a person should be able to lose the weight on their own. He told me then he didn't believe the surgery and had only referred about 5 patients for the surgery. Because of me remembering him saying this, I went into his office ready for a fight. Much to my surprise he said ok.

I attended one of the free seminars put on by the gastric surgeons at a local hospital. Got the paperwork, but was unsure how to answer some of the "history" questions, so I had to schedule another appointment with my PCP. Last Thursday, September 17th, I met with my PCP to finish the history questionnaire and to have him start the paperwork trail process on his end.

Today, September 21st I took that paperwork to the gastric doctor's office so I could start the process. They weighed me in, 403.7 pounds, BMI of 56.3, and a body fat percentage of 51.6%, and scheduled me for the first appointment with the gastric doctor.

Unfortunately I have found out that my insurance carrier will be changing January 1st. So the rush is on to get everything done before December 31st. I have an online class to take, 2 support group meetings to attend, a psyche evaluation to undergo, meetings with the nutritionist, a second doctor's appointment, getting insurance approval and then hopefully the surgery.

The thought of having my 34th birthday in February with me being 50 to maybe 75 lighter is an amazing prospect.

Let the journey to a thinner, healthier, happier me begin.

Starting the Journey

So this blog is my way to put down my thoughts as I start the journey to having gastric bypass.

Part of me is very excited at the prospect of the chance to be "normal" and to be able to purchase cute clothes from places like Walmart, Kmart, Target or any "regular" person store even though it's several months away from being there.

The other part of me is a little scared or wary. The thought of not being able to have certain foods ever again. Of course, it's these foods that I love that have gotten me in this situation in the first place.

So sit back, pick up a donut (or not) and follow me on my journey.